Story #15 “Emotions”

I’m smart, yeah! I’m capable, yeah! I know how to work through this and master my tasks today! Not anymore… I feel I have received a concussion, but have been so safe. I feel as if I haven’t slept in weeks, but have slept nine hours a night and have had naps almost every day. I’m slipping, I’m losing, I’m falling apart at my very seams. It is all worth it, I know! I sacrifice my body to this life I want the most. I can get it all back, we all get it back right? I use the excuse before I even have time to think through what I have to excuse myself for…maybe nothing. Maybe I don’t need the excuse, but I pass it out anyway to ensure I can remain telling myself the nice things. The excuse has the power to absolve me of the embarrassment of the moment, but why I need to feel embarrassed is still the conundrum. We all have bad days, we all have forgetful moments, maybe I am just having all of these back to back. I cannot place blame, for it is no one’s fault…or is it mine? I wanted this. I knew my life would change, and change it has! Why should I feel embarrassed, though? I am doing something incredible, something life defining, something that only maybe fifty percent of the population will ever experience…probably even less. I should feel proud, I should feel strong, I should feel undefeatable, and yet the embarrassment still finds power over me. I’m not being sharp-witted enough. I am not having enough drive. I give up too easily now. I slowdown too quickly. The emotions take me by sudden surprise too often. I am so powerful, and yet I am so embarrassed by all my weaknesses.